so true. it’s amazing how insensitive people can be when they don’t really understand what depression is or why a depressed person is depressed. because, in reality, if we understood why we were depressed every time we were depressed we’d save a heck of a lot of money on therapy, wouldn’t we? my favorites were always, “why can’t you just BE happy?” or “just get over it”. classics.

My personal favorite is “What have you got to be depressed about?”

Great article but not helpful. Makes me want to steer clear of a depressed person so I don’t do more harm than good. So what should one say? What can someone do? The best thing people did for me was to say “let’s go somewhere.” actually just listening is the only thing I know of. Don’t try to fix them, just ask questions about what they feel and let them share. maybe it will help if they hear themselves talk out loud. Most important: don’t judge or think you know how they feel.

I applaud you so much for writing this. I have had quite a few of those comments thrown at me at one time or another and all you want to do is kick that person in the head. You really do. Because they think they have the solution and they know it all when they really don’t know shit (pardon my French) EVERYONE should read this and learn it by heart…thanks so much.

My sister is very depressed and often calls to use my shoulder to cry on. She was very resistant to the idea of therapy until 1 month ago. I am very grateful she has started this and I am hopeful that it will help her.

Before she started therapy, I struggled to come up with ideas to try to help her to feel better, including suggesting some of the ideas above which obviously didn’t help. I tried just listening and not suggesting anything but that didn’t help either. Nothing helped. It is very painful for me to see her suffering and not be able to do anything about it. So, sometimes loved ones are desperate to assist and might suggest useless ideas.

Thanks for the post. Even though I experience depression, I am often not good at speaking with loved ones about it that also suffer. It’s a different experience with different triggers for everyone I suppose.

@Wendy: I found the CBS News Gallery linked above helpful for positive messages I can focus on.

Great list! I hate it when people give you one of theses ¨solutions¨ and actually think they are helping.

The one thing I NEED to hear when I am at my lowest is “This is NOT you; This is NOT about YOU; You are so much more than this…maybe it is time for help!”

I have learned that I do not need to disclose my depression to everyone. I have a very ‘few’ select group of people in my life that truly understand ME and the way depression affects me. I trust that when one of them looks at me and says the above…it is time to get help!

For those who do not understand I have written this prayer; place where I am able to see it; read it when necessary “I forgive them their lack of understanding for they do not know; Thank You God that they don’t for then they do not suffer-they are fortunate in their ignorance.”

It is very difficult to say and mean; yet when I do remember to say it I find healing in it, not hurt and anger, which when depressed I can not afford.

yearofom.blogspot.com LENA

The one that has been said to me quite frequently is “can’t you just snap out it?” That one still makes me feel the worse.

This article sounds like you need to walk on eggshells every time you see a person with depression. As long as you have empathy and are speaking from the heart, I don’t think it does harm to try and help. Even if a person does not understand or may not have experienced clinical depression, I think that just knowing that someone is trying to help can be uplifting. People with mental illness are not such delicate flowers that they need to be pussyfooted around at every turn. I think it’s best to just treat a person with an illness the same that you would anyone else. Mentally ill people are just that, PEOPLE.

My solutions to depression:
Make them a scrumptious and scintillating dessert which will elevate their spirits and leave them with a pleasant memory:
1.Crepes Suzette Flambe’
2. Strawberries Romanoff -[Dim the lights for presentation]
3.Bananas Foster [as 2.]
4.Granny Smith Apple Fritters with raw sugar sprinkling.
5. A half cup of Greek Yougurt [zero fat] mixed with a tbsp of lemon curd, over fresh berries and seedless grapes.

i agree with the points in this article, now please can we have what you should say? i got alot of these comments only yesterday and i need a boost. Do i look as though i like feeling this way? The sun is shining and it is a beautiful day, so why am I sitting here, ignoring it!Oh light at the end of the tunnel, show yourself to me.

God desires for us to be happy and joyous. He created an entire manual, the Bible, to give us guidelines to live by. Usually depressions are linked to our life choices and our inability to think with well-developed critical thinking skills. I do feel that when one has sunk into a depression that they need expert, Christian, counseling, if they are Christian. Depression fades as we get our lives back into focus on what we should be doing and who we should be avoiding. Sometimes it does take anti-depressants to get over the hump. I know someone who has been in therapy for decades because of childhood events. As he told me what his family had exposed him to I asked a simple question, “Have you told them how much they hurt you”. His answer was “No, I don’t hate my family.” All of those years of counseling (non-Christian) had failed to get to the root of his issues and develop a solution. God tells us to forgive and forget and to FOCUS on Him. When we surrender to His will and not ours then our lives come into perspective.

Good article. The only one I take issue with is the food one. Whole Foods isn’t magic, but food really does matter. Frosted Flakes probably have a lot of high fructose corn syrup. Aspartame (Nutrasweet) is also associated with depression, among other things. Your Frosted Flakes very well may be related to the power outage in your left frontal lobe in your brain.

Quoting Deborah @ March 27, 2011 at 12:32 pm: “As long as you have empathy and are speaking from the heart, I don’t think it does harm to try and help. Even if a person does not understand or may not have experienced clinical depression, I think that just knowing that someone is trying to help can be uplifting.”

I wish this were true, but it isn’t – at least not in my experience.

A person with depression often has a warped perception of themselves and the people around them. Even if you are being empathetic, and speaking from the heart when giving your advice, the depressed person is not likely to see it this way. She may interpret your suggestion as implied criticism, or she may feel guilty that she did not do as you suggest. Even something as innocuous as “I understand how you’re feeling”, said in the most caring tone, can trigger anger and a greater sense of isolation in a depressed person. It’s not enough to present your advice from a point of empathy, not when the person at the receiving end has a problem with perception.

Added to this is the fact that even the most well-meaning person who has never experienced depression often has no clue what is or is not helpful in fighting this illness. Some of the suggestions I have received are, in fact, dangerous (they made me more suicidal).

Yes, it really can do harm to try and help when you have no idea how to help.

Never mind how empathetic or caring you are, or how sincere. If you don’t have any true knowledge of mental illness, you really don’t know what will help and what will not. This is the whole point of Therese’s post here. I have heard any of those 10 things said to me by people who sincerely believed it would help. Every single one of those things only led me closer to the edge. Their well-meaning, sincere and “empathetic” (in their own minds) advice could have pushed me over the line and led to a suicide attempt. I think death is pretty dangerous, don’t you?

The thing is, it’s not about you. It’s about the person who is sick. It makes you feel better to be able to say something or do something helpful. It makes you feel terrible not being able to do anything. The sense of helplessness is devastating. So the healthy person dishes out advice because saying something is better than saying nothing. Better for them, that is, because it alleviates their sense of helplessness. It’s not better for the sick person, though. In all likelihood, well-meaning but ignorant advice makes the depressed person even worse off.

If you love someone who is depressed, try to keep this in mind: Don’t assume you know how to fix this, not even if you have had depression yourself (every person’s situation is unique).

And: Don’t let your need to help get in the way of actually helping. Don’t let your desire to make things better get in the way of actually being truly supportive. Accept that you cannot magically solve their problems nor show them how. Trust me, your loved one would benefit a great deal more from your acceptance of your own limitations in this regard, than in any miracle cure you try to push on them.

Dawn’s advice is overwhelmingly true in my experience. Go Dawn! The advice given by another person is entirely about that person in nearly every case, and not at all about the depressed person who, at that point, feels required to sit and listen politely to someone who, without knowing, is just adding another wound to an already wounded human being.

After I finally admitted to my sister-in-law that I was waging a battle against this illness, she told me how she read a biblical article that explained how one can only “choose their attitude,” and how well that works for her. This advice was given in spite of the fact that she knows I have a degree in psychology (she didn’t attend college), have depression and multiple suicides in my family history, and being entirely aware that one current source of stress(financially, time-wise, and emotionally) for me is a number of problems with her parents and her brother and his wife (not my husband, obviously), in which I ended up trying to be helpful at her request.

My sister-in-law further explained about her daughter and son-in-law and a situation that could cause them true sadness each day, but how they react in a healthy way, of course implying that I have nothing to be depressed about in comparison to their “truly difficult” situation.

I was kind to her, but my level of pain and frustration was practically unbearable for the rest of the day. Over and over again, I told myself that her advice was about her and not about me, and that I was going to be okay, but the distress was very difficult to control as I worked and exercised. Going to bed as early as possible that evening and sleeping finally calmed things down for me.

I am on two medications, I exercise and eat wisely each day, I read uplifting things every morning (including this blog, of course), and I work hard to be positive and kind to everyone each day, so that many people would have no idea of the battle I am fighting and have fought at intervals since I was a child. And, of course, I see a therapist.

My husband honors my efforts to become healthy again, and likens this interval in our life (and the other two times it has occurred in our 30-year marriage) to a visit from a “dark and unwanted” house guest. He apologized for his sister’s ignorance and her silly advice–And we both still love her, of course.

I remember my well-intentioned aunt talking to my sister 25 years ago of her religious beliefs and how they would help my sister if she would just believe as strongly as she did. The image etched in my mind is of my sweet sister (she was more angelic than most of us) lying in bed, sobbing, while my aunt held her hand and spoke gently about her “very important beliefs” that would save my sister. Within a month, my sister hung herself.

I know my aunt meant well, but was, again, just ignorant. However, as I said, that was 25 years ago, and the neuroscientific research on this illness has moved forward tremendously. This causes me to be astounded by the so-called “advice” from the RN above–time for her to get back to school! If she is following her advice she is walking around doing unbelievable harm, and she might as well understand that in her religious paradigm, she is doing the work of the Devil!

I feel a little better just having written this, and my heart goes out to everyone on this blog who is fighting their own private battle, including you, Therese! You are doing a good thing, and I hope for at least a few minutes, you will know I honor your effort to help all of us!

This a very helpful list for folks on both sides of depression. My personal favorite –when I complained of feeling depressed and lethargic after a year of carrying a high caseload of chronically ill patients at work and caring for my parents (including my mother with late stage Alzheimer’s) at home was, “You’re just listening to the voice of Satan.” Sometimes these off-hand comments really mean that the person you are talking to may not have the self-awareness or emotional maturity to cope with listening to another person’s problems. Dismissing the problem as a character flaw is so much easier than love.

A friend of mine once told me “You don’t have a right to be depressed.” We weren’t friends much longer.

The cure for some forms of depression are Just a VOTE away !!!

These days it seems depression is over diagnosed, so I’d certainly be among those that would say “it’s all in your head”. No longer do people have strong coping mechanisms or even the ability to be patient; it’s all about instant gratification and “me first/me only” and when that doesn’t happen they get “depressed”. It becomes worse when others enable those who refuse to accept that the world doesn’t revolve around him or her because they never learn.

Stress and feeling blue are normal parts of life whether we like it or not; what isn’t normal is failing to help oneself not just come to terms with the issues but rather to get over them.

When people ask “what do you have to be depressed about?” it’s a valid question. Put your life into perspective. Those that are living in war zones that aren’t of their creation have a reason to be depressed. Those that are living in drought and famine plagued areas have a reason to be depressed. Those who have had their loved ones unlawfully detained in the post 9/11 hysteria have a reason to be depressed. Yet in those cases the people still go about their daily lives as best they can and don’t give up. So again, the question is valid.

I sometimes wish that I had a book labeled The clinical Depression Handbook for dummies “what not to say”, to give to people I know. I am not sure that this would even make a difference all in all I just have to go on the fact that they mean well. Then of course there are those that never really try to understand and think that the solutions that work for them in their lives will work for everyone. I sometimes myself do not understand my depression.
Thanks for this article it is great.

DITTO- Wendy…..someone to just talk to would have
help me ALOT in my depressed phase!I like your thinking!
Thank you for sharing article Therese and all the thoughts
and comments~helpful!

My favorite is . If you want i can start walking with you and maybe that will help you lose some weight and make you feel better! why not just tell if I was’nt so fat I would’nt be depressed!!!! Yes, people are insensitive when it comes to a depressed family member,friend, or co-worker, without realizing THEY MAY BE PART OF THE PROBLEM!!!!!!

My own personal experience with depression. For me, I was not able to put my hand on why I felt so tried, lifeless and not focused. Each day, I took my children to school, returned home and went to bed. Slept for hours and woke up with a headache and just feeling like shit. One day, I decided that I would not go home, but go to the park and lay in the sun. I would sit/lay for hours in the sunlight and try and figure out this feeling of just being sad. I started thinking about people who appeared to be full of energy and loving life. I made a list of what healthy, successful and happy people did each day. For example, They took a shower, comb their hair, got dressed and went out into the world. I sometime couldn’t do the hair or shower, but I would get up and get dressed and go food shopping,visit the library and talk with strangers for hours. I would tell myself, you are happy, you are beautiful and this is a great day! Your children are happy and smart. Don’t let them see you like this,purpose to be healthy. I later enrolled in school and made new friends that was half my age and they appeared to be full of life. I changed my diet and changed my enviroment at home. I brought plants, bright colors, and put on music with instrument only and some foreign languages that I did not understand, but I loved. I walked to school 3 miles 4 days a week. Even when it rained, I walked in the rain, I felt like a pretty little girl. It was not an easy process, but I did make a big difference in my life. I would sit in class and not retain one things from the lecture. I read that if I moved my hands and take notes that my brain would release certain chemicals to help me remember. I also became an active listener asking questions and transferring info from short term memory to long term memory. I graduated from the JC and transferred to the University. I take fun classes, yoga, dance, step aerobics along with my hard classes. Going to school has become a way of life for me. When we are on break, I must get up every morning with a purpose, because those old feeling are always trying to get back in and robe me of my life. My children got advanced degrees, and I am still going to school. I hope this info is helpful to someone who are in that dark place of feeling alone, helpless and lost.

I am not so sure I agree with this post. Having had suffered from an acute bout of depression and anxiety, those are the very same comments I now tell myself. After being in therapy for over two years, I now surround myself with nothing but positive things and thoughts. It is also what I tell family and friends to do when they find themselves fighting those demons. The key is in how I tell them. I found that when I was at my worst, nothing anyone said was of any help, even if it was to tell me I had won a million dollars. It wasn’t until I could switch my brain to process things in a different way, that I started to heal myself. This was trough faith, therapy and a little medication! Now when I start to feel a bit depressed (and yes I can recognize it) I tell myself those very same things you posted. I use it as my swift “kick in the butt” to prevent me from ever falling into that dark hole again. It is a constant effort I must practice daily.

Your comments remind me of an excellent description of Mrs. Oswald, the mother of the assassin of President Kennedy. One reviewer who read a biography of her described her as “the sort of person who, in a crowded elevator steps on your foot, then whirls around and yells at you for being in the way.”

I would have to say the diagnosis of depression has went overboard as has any other mental illness diagnosis. We have people, including children, on more rx medications now than before. People are spending more on healthcare to treat all of these “disabling” diagnoses when it’s unneccessary for most. Now, I do believe there are a few people that really fit the bill and need medical care sometimes rx meds, but a lot of people don’t cope well with everyday life stressors and diagnose themselves just enought to get a licensed professional to document a mental illness, thus causing more money to be spent on counseling and medications, perhaps even days missed from work or even leading someone to believe they are disabled and can’t work. All of this happens because people as a whole have given up on coping with life. It means we accept what comes our way and deal with it as LIFE. Life happens and just because a person gets down about some things or thinks their life sucks to no end does not mean they are depressed, but rather in a low mood. What is clinical depression? Whenever we don’t feel particularly happy, does not mean that we are “clinically depressed”. More frequently, we’re responding to sad events, fatigue, or unhappy thoughts, rather then any form of depression. The liberal use of this term confuses a perfectly normal mood swing from the psychiatric syndromes of depression. All of us experience sad thoughts, dejection, and other life experiences which put us in a relatively low mood, but only a limited number experience true clinical depression. Sad thoughts and normal dejection is seldom severe enough to effect daily functioning to a significant degree or persist for a long time. Down-turns in mood can even be beneficial on occasion. Time spent contemplating our life and experiences can lead us to explore our inner selves, our true value’s, and our way of life, and we may often emerge with a sense of greater strength, clarity and resolve. Clinical depression on the other hand has no redeeming characteristics. It brings about severe long-lasting impairment in our daily functioning. Individuals suffering from clinical depression may have an incredibly difficult time carrying on even the most minor of life’s duties and responsibilities.

My husband and I were grieving the death of our oldest daughter when a man told me, “Well, you have two other daughters”. As though that would make it right. She was the second daughter we had lost.

That was 32 years ago and I am still depressed.

Frankie

So…. What may you say that would be helpful beyond listening, expressing compassion and empathy? I’ve also found that when someone that is depressed gets “better” for the lack of a better word, they may reject those that were there for them. Any ideas?

Thank you so much for this. I’m going thru a dieing relationship which will be legally over soon. One of the well-meaning but hurtful things I’ve been told is “you are taking this so well”….just because others don’t see me falling apart doesn’t demininsh the terrible pain I feel inside. How am I suppose to act? Some days the pain is more than I can bear- but I do. Other days, I have hope that with or without my marriage, I’ll be ok and rise above this.

Do you actually have any idea what you are talking about? People with depression need help, not some one to pooh-pooh what they are feeling. Unless you have actually experienced depression, you have no knowledge of how, no matter how hard one tries, one cannot always pull oneself out of the pit of deep dark despair that surrounds one’s every waking minute. Depression is a chemical imbalance, it’s not a matter of having a bad attitude or a weakness of character or lack of faith.And a depressed person does not appreciate being analyzed by everyone that seems to think they know what’s best for them. Professional help makes a big difference, but in the case of medication it can take quite awhile to find the right medication(s) that will work on each person, every individual is different. And there are different degrees of depression. Even the strongest person can be knocked off their feet by depression.

Depression is an epidemic fed by various factors, very common and unavoidable in society. Society at large still holds such topics as: religion, politics, and government among many other unavoidable everyday contributors are often considered quite controversial due to staunch, opposing opinions of each. While it is true, sharing or talking about them to select, trusting individuals helps; depression is not yet fully understood, or accepted in most circles which is obvious by the postings and responses found here. What is now considered a disease by modern medicine is still under stigma of being shunned by others who don’t really understand, mostly people who are optimistic, seemingly happy most of the time; those that don’t have depression or very little of it.

As to the point about not suggesting exercise for fear of offending the depressed person who might get the idea that he or she is ‘fat’ or unattractive: Why not remove any possible misinterpretation? Straight-out cite the physiological/emotional benefits of exercise; the endorphin release that tends to ease pain and boost a person’s mood? There is also an amazingly effective emotional purge that I learned in TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) that might prove helpful.

Thank you for your interest in helping ease emotional pain as well as physical pain; the two are often linked.

Thanks for this…most people mix feeling blue, with depression. This is obvioius, by the healing methods, some suggest.
Depression is real, its not just feeling blue. Its not a mood, that can be changed by diet or exerice. Which can effect those who confuse the two. My depression was severe, my healing was restored in a moment..soley by the hand of God. I can only pray for those who suffer the anguish of mental illness. And ask those who want to help, do the same.

Good article I know several people who need to read and reread this…I have people all the time ask me why are you depressed? you have everything…yeah well sorry I have a little problem as much as Id love to be happy 24/7 it won’t always happen…

Depression is such a difficult thing for all involved, the one depressed and those that love them. I suffered with post partum depression that lasted for about 4 years, my father is bi-polar so lives an up and down battle daily. I realize it’s difficult to hear some of the advice, but try to realize the one’s trying to give you lame ideas to feel better love you and want to see you happy. On that note, I feel recognizing the love in our lives is the best antidote to depression. Depression is a different demon for everyone so there is no right or wrong solution. It is trial and error, however focusing on the don’t and won’t doesn’t help either. Hope, faith, love and committing to yourself are very positive practices that may not solve but certainly help.

Thanks for re-assuring me that in my depression I’m not crazy too. I get so upset when my mother, my sister, and even my son say these things. Nothing is more lonely than knowing that no one really understands. The comments do have a reverse effect. Makes me want to stay inside, lock the doors, and never speak to anyone again. My mother and my sister think they have all the answers. My sister has said to me “You don’t know what it’s like to live alone.” She lived with a roommate for about six months, married soon after college, and has been married for 35 years. Never lived alone for one day. I on the other hand have been sadly married 3 times, abused, beaten, and am finally happy living alone. But I guess I can’t take care of myself – that’s why I’m depressed? It may sound funny, but for a depressed person there is no “why”? It just is. I take medication and it comes and goes, and now that I don’t have to know “why”? or try to “fix it” I’m ok with it. I just don’t talk to my family much.

Thanks for the article. It’s good to hear your perspective, although it’s maybe a little harsh on people who are only trying to help, but I can relate to the feelings & frustration. Are you planning a second part on things people should say?

I have manic-depressive disorder. I do many of the things on your list to PREVENT another major depression: 1) exercise – definitely (exercise actually got me OUT of my last debilitating depression, but I was also open to doing exercise, because I knew it would increase endorphins in my brain and make me feel happy, and I wanted to feel happy again); 2) correct diet with little sugar – absolutely; 3) positive thinking (while being realistic at the same time) – need it like water; 4) giving back to the community – yes! I started volunteering, and it helps me feel better. I love helping other people. Other things that can help mild to medium depression: light therapy (seasonal affective disorder is treated with special lamps), anything that makes me laugh or feel happy, like taking care of my cat and hearing her purr. This is just my little trick, but I heard that the act of physically smiling actually makes the body a little more relaxed, so I just smile when I start feeling sad. I think that this trick probably won’t work when someone is in the middle of a major depression, but I wonder if watching a funny movie would help. Norman Cousins claims he cured himself of a major illness by watching funny movies & laughing. Honestly, I haven’t tried watching funny movies when I’m severely depressed, because I haven’t been severely depressed in a long time, thankfully. But I do think that there must be things that loved ones can say and do to help a depressed person to recover some happiness, which everyone needs and deserves.

And one last suggestion: I think one thing to clarify is that there are different levels of depression, and phases to the illness. So the items on your list might not be helpful to someone who is in the middle of a depression, but they could be helpful toward the end, or to help prevent another one.

At the age of 24, as I sat with my mother at their house; crying and telling her how depressed I was and I didnt know why or what was happening. She told my father as he passed by; only to have him say: “depressed! that’s ridicoulous, what you need is more beltings that’s what you need”.
Yeah, he belted us alot when we were kids.

After reading many of the comments, I think we are missing a key element–and that is the power of God’s Spirit to heal even our most deepest hurts and overcome our fears. Whenever I see a loved one who is battling depression I always pray and ask God to give me the words to say, and how to say it. Sometimes, I don’t say anything at all and I take what they said and pray about it. Sometimes I find myself in a dark corner of depression. Oftentimes, I’ll begin to pray even when I don’t feel like praying, or I’m upset with God. The Bible says if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and heal us. God in his faithfulness will meet you where you are. He created us and knows our human frailty and that we are prone to seasons of sadness. So, God is not angry when we are depressed. The key is to stay in his presence through constant prayer, worship and meditation on the word of God.

How about this one that I heard all the time when I was going through major depression: “I WISH I had your problems instead of mine!” In other words, “You have no right to feel depressed or talk to me about your depression because my problems are worse than yours. So shut up and stop crying.” Gee, what great support…

I was ridiculed, shunned and sexually exploited as a youth. I didn’t share this with anyone verbally, even when I became suicidal, as a teen.

In my first marriage I was again suicidal.

In my second marriage, my husband was mentally abusive and schizophrenic. (They call it “bi-polar” now. Just another name for the same illness.)

Fortunately, between my two marriages, I began to learn that I was worth being loved. I slowly learned to love myself, then those around me. How?? I turned to prayerful scripture study, and learned to know and love the Lord, Jesus Christ. The more I loved Him, the more I wanted to be like Him…and it became easier to love myself, because I knew He did.

My second husband never admitted that he was schizo…a necessity for a total cure. I spent three years, though, being trained by a very competent and caring psychologist, to totally control his scizophrenia…with no medication. The mental/emotional technniques I learned helped me to successfully hold our marriage together for another 13 years…till he died.

What was once called mis-behavior, due to lack of proper up-bringing and self-discipline, has now been deemed as a large variety of “illnesses”, that “can only be cured with various medications.” That’s an easy out…for greedy pharmacies and lazy (or ignorant second- and third-generation) parents.

Psychiatrists are trained to diagnose “illnesses”, and prescribe medications with which to cover up the mis-behavioral symptoms causing them.

Psychologists, on the other hand, are trained to diagnose mental/emotional challenges, then train individuals and families to change behavior patterns, getting at the base of the matter and solving the situations.

One…a cover-up. The other…a solution. (No. I’m not a psychologist, nor do I know one. I’m not drummin’ up business for anyone personal…just statin’ facts.)

Amazing. Fairly recently I had a doctor say to me everyone has problems.Then suggested that maybe I should be hospitalized.Needless to say, that took the anxiety to a whole new level.Great article:I would suggest some health care professionals read this one. Afterthought: Maybe my doctor was depressed too!

This article makes me feel better, just by knowing that there actually are people out there that do understand. I’ve been suffering with major depression for over twenty years. The worst thing anyone ever said to me was: just suck it up and get over it! That only made me feel more depressed and extremely angry. Over the years I’ve learned that depression is often caused be anger held inside yourself so that is definitely not a good thing to say to a depressed person!

God made depressed people too. Depressed people are not inferior or flawed as a lot of people label them. There is help. Just don’t stop trying to find it.

Everyone who has depression has said it all..I have it in a major way with 3 suicide attempts.. and people who don’t struggle with it are CLUELESS and make stupid remarks and suggestions!

“Everyone has problems” if I hear that one more time, I may scream. Why do people say that? When I am depressed (and I am a chronic depressive) I can not see beyond my depression. Yes, I am aware that there are people starving, homeless, poverty stricken,oppressed, etc., but being aware that I am more fortunate than them does not help my depression. People, it is a chemical imbalance! No one chooses depression. We all have our demons to fight, sometimes the demons win.

Awesome list. I agree completely.
Here’s another suggestion: formerly depressed people who have tried every solution you listed and claim that it cured them completely. Reading testimonies like that maddens me more than all of the list items put together. I’m on medicine now and am doing great, but of course that doesn’t count, huh?
For everyone who has been left discouraged by all of the glurge-filled comments littering the place, here’s a more realistic and relateable one: I’ve never found anything that helped me do more than just rub along. Suicide was constantly on my mind even as I made jokes, practiced hobbies and went for walks.
Honestly, I feel like I’m reading about people who manage to stop epileptic seizures by thinking happy thoughts!

OK – you told us what NOT to say to a person who is depressed.
So what SHOULD we say to a depressed person that might help them?
I don’t much appreciate THOU SHALT NOT ADVICE without recommendations on what is better.

I couldn’t agree more. Every conversation I have had with someone regarding my depression starts out with “What do you have to be depressed about?” At first I feel guilty. Guilt because on paper I don’t have anything to be depressed about. Plenty of people have it worse. However, even though depression can be triggered by external events, it is also a physiological problem. That’s the struggle. If I was only in a rut when certain life events came up then I wouldn’t be considering my depression a problem. The fact is I have never been truly happy and have been depressed during all of my life’s ups and downs. That’s where the meds come in. They help fix the chemical imbalances, at least for some people.

In my opinion, the worst thing you could say to a person suffering from depression or other chronic illness is: “be thankful”

I personally suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome, which causes depression, and being thankful doesn’t help one bit.

Okay, people keep asking what you should say to a depressed person. In my personal opinion, sometimes the best thing a person could do to help is to shut up. STFU, seriously.

You don’t have the capacity to help just because you want to. My family think that because they care, genuinely want me to get better, etc their advices would magically heal me.

Professional help does a lot of good, but even that can’t vaporize depression without any struggle. It angers me to see people so confident that they know what is wrong with me and how to fix it. I’m sorry if I sound harsh but if you can’t get it through that arrogant brain of yours that something (like the depression of a loved one) just goes beyond your power to mend you probably deserve every bit of criticism coming your way. I’d rather get pissed off at ignorant people than feel guilt about my condition, which I’ve never chosen to have and would feel glad beyond words to see the back of, because of a few offhand comments.

Like someone said before, it is about the depressed person, not about the person who is “trying to help”. It may make you feel lousy for not knowing what to do, but sometimes you just can’t do anything about it. So instead of acting out of an ill-advised urge to “help”, you can try to not harm. I can’t just “feel better”. I exercise and eat healthily, but that doesn’t prevent me from wanting to cry for no reason or shut myself in a room for days. I have tried to snap out of it, but after a period of “feeling fine” I have always experienced an intense relapse that saw me sleeping 12 hours a day and contemplating suicide. Even when I was seeing a psychologist, the only thing he admitted to being able to do for me was to listen to my problems and working with me in figuring out how to solve them best. Even in that environment, he agreed that I knew best about myself.

So please, when I say I am depressed, don’t say that I have nothing to feel depressed about, that I want to feel that way etc. And when I say that you can’t help, you really fucking CAN’T. At least trust me to know what I want.

my all time favorite comment people make to me when i am depressed about is you just feel this way to get attention and you just need to stop trying to be center of attion and go and find something to do with your self or your friends. that one just makes me all the time mad at the world.

Wonderful points. The only thing I have to say is that you always refer to the depressed as “she” or “her”.

Just want to remind everyone that males are just as susceptible to depression as females!

You should never tell a depressed person,”Don’t go feeling sorry for yourself”. My sister told me this, and I slammed the phone receiver down.” I didn’t talk to her for 3 months, and when I did finally talk to her, she didn’t even apologize for it. She just said that I gaveheadache!! her a headach

If I hear those things from the simple minded self absorbed whiny people that have spoke those words to me in times of crisis I will scream at the top of my lungs.I work with a really dumb lady who says this all the time and “leave your boyfriend” “BPD is not real” the best was “How many personalities do bi-polar and borderlines have?” I look at her through eyes of sympathy now and know she is not bright and is childish.She tells me people that think of suicide ar cowards and attention seeking.If I was more introverted I’d be inside out.I understand that some people think it’s all in our heads and so and so should be depressed not me.Sorry for the rant but I’m getting therapy now more for tolerance on other people’s judgements and idiotic stigmas they believe.I try and stick up and tell people how it feels but they keep insisting they have the cure.I hope they can feel 10 minutes of severe depression or anxiety just so they could stop saying these things at the very least.Peace