Mindfulness Matters

I uttered these words recently: “We are all defective, new?” I offered them as a tonic, a soothing balm, a normalizing unguent.

If we are all defective in some way, there is no reason to feel shame for your own particular variation of imperfection. It’s no big deal.

Humans beings come flawed. We have egos that can have a life of their own; we have bodies that get uncomfortable, sick, and eventually break down. We all make mistakes and plenty of them. Until we become Buddhas, we all do unskillful things. What’s new?

We can learn from our imperfections, especially when we don’t beat ourselves up for them. Life is absurd if you really think about it. Taking ourselves too seriously is a recipe for misery.

We can fall into what Tara Brach calls the “trance of unworthiness.” This trance stems from thinking that our defects are particular to us and not universal. We assume everyone else is fine.

We are all in the same boat. All of us are perfectly imperfect.

I have been deep into researching introversion for my forthcoming book, The Everything Guide to the Introvert Edge (Adams Media). It’s been fascinating, revelatory, and liberating.

I have enjoyed reading Susan Cain’s Quiet, Laurie Helgoe’s Introvert Power, and many others.

One thing that I have learned is something about how my introvert brain works. I envision the possibility of working on multiple tasks. For example, I am currently working on three book projects and planning a fourth (and have many other ideas in the hopper). I’d like to see myself working on all of these every day.

In reality, my introvert mind wants simplification. The current introvert book project is consuming, absorbing, and engaging and that is about all that I can do at the moment. I also have a rapidly approaching deadline, so this gets top priority.

Instead of beating myself up for not being able to “do it all” I can now recognize this is how my introverted mind works and go along with that.

I am interested to hear about your stories of being an introvert in an extrovert world. For you extroverts out there, what do you appreciate about introverts? Do you have struggles at work or in your social life? Do you feel guilt, shame, or sense that you are missing out. If you would like to participate in the book, please email your comments akozak [at] uvm [dot] edu and I will seek to incorporate them into this project.

Thanks!

People love to hate New Jersey. In Vermont, we have bumper stickers that say “Don’t Jersey Vermont.” I did most of my growing up in the Garden State and recently spent some time there. It is a place of contradictions to be certain.

Where I was, there is high population density and a culture oriented around consumption. I had the opportunity to go to Costco. Now to be fair, you can find Costco anywhere, even here in Vermont. But this Costco, was enormous, much bigger than the one we have here in Vermont. It was a vast expanse of opportunity to have things, including free samples of food as you walk through the store.

I have not been a member of Costco for two reasons. The first is that for most things, you can only buy them in large quantity and second selection is severely curtailed. You can get what they display. If you are lucky, you like the particular variation they are offering. For some things like nuts, there is no name brand at play–just large quanitieis. Brian Wansink’s reserach has demonstrated that larger containers of food lead to bigger portions and calories intake. But the lure of the bargain seems to be what motivates people in Costco. It’s not hard to see why there is an obesity epidemic growing in this country.

As I roamed bewildered by the sheer amount of stuff, I practiced noticing the arising of desire and the cessation of that same desire. I walked the entire store without buying anything. How unAmerican of me!

Greed and desire; having and not having. Why do we want so much stuff?

I also had the opportunity to go to an gigantic Wegmans supermarket–the biggest selection of food I’ve ever seen in a super market. It blew my mind. It was crowded on a Monday afternoon–the leisure class getting their grocers (the parking was full of Benz’s) and not a smile to be had in the vast expanse of calories. Miles of prepared foods, produce, cheeses, groceries. It was overwhelming. I wanted to pitch a tent there so I could start eating–everything! I am safe from Wegman’s. There is nothing appoaching that monolith here in cozy Vermont.

Ironically, as soon as I started writing this entry, someone offered me a Costco membership. Should I take it? It’s free? I accepted the offer and I will have to be mindful as I roam the spacious isles to be vigilant with desire and to only buy what makes sense to buy. When I come home with the huge packages, it would behoove me to separate it into smaller quantities because I will eat less that way.

What is more unfathomable than the incredible quantities (and high quality) of available food was the apparent taken-for-grantedness of it all. I saw no sense of wonder, no one genuflecting at the abundance. This is a shame. We are so fortunate to have so much. There was enough food in that Costco and Wegmens to feed a small nation.

The next time you gather food at a supermarket, see if you can bring a sense of gratitude, wonder, and awe to the bounty that is available to you. Eat what you acquire with mindfulness. Enjoy.

One of my students shared a story. A friend of hers was on a whitewater rafting trip in Colorado. During the trip, one of the people in the raft fell out into the river. He floundered around passively while the guide attempted to steer the raft towards him. The guide offered assistance but the man remained passive. Finally, the frustrated guide shouted, “Participate in your own rescue!”

There is a key dharma lesson in this story. The Buddha noted that all of humanity is in need of rescuing. Life is suffused with senseless, self-inflicted, stress, misery, dissatisfaction, and suffering.

Salvation does not come from without. Gods and karma don’t seal our fate, but our intentions and actions. He taught a system of self-reliant psychology. Buddhist scholar, Professor Richard Gombrich noted how unique the Buddha’s emphasis on self-reliance was.

“A great deal of modern education and psychotherapy consists of making people aware  that they are responsible for themselves. In fact, we consider that it constitutes a large part of what we mean by becoming a mature person. It is amazing that someone should have promulgated this idea in the fifth century BC, and hardly less remarkable that he found followers.”

How do we participate in our own rescue? First, we must recognize that we have fallen out of the boat and require rescue. Next, we must do what we can not to make the situation worse. We need to pay keen attention to what the moment requires and act on that information. We need to be proactive and move towards the resources that are available.

We can meditate and see how our minds contribute to our sense of disquiet in each moment. We can seek peace in the midst of any situation, even the ones that are not going as we would like. We can choose to swim towards the raft even when the currents are strong and pushing us back. We can have faith that our efforts will prevail.

We will fall out of the boat. There is no way to avoid that. When we do, we can start swimming right away–moving ourselves back towards the moment. Salvation is immanent and available in any moment–in every moment.